It’s been a year since my husband died.

A year since that fateful Saturday morning when I found my husband unresponsive on the lounge.  

A year since life as I knew it would never be the same again.

The last year has been the most painful and challenging year of my life, but it has also brought with it love, joy and magic.

I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learnt over the last year.

1. There are no lessons

The first lesson I learnt is that there are no lessons. When I was growing up and I was taught a lesson, it was because I had done something wrong or made a mistake. My husband’s death wasn’t a lesson. Instead, I see it as a life experience, giving me the opportunity to evolve and grow from it. Now I know, the deeper the experience, the greater the opportunity for personal growth.   

As Henry Ford said “Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.”  

2. My identity changes as life changes

Over the last year, I have found myself asking who am I if I’m not a wife? I didn’t realise how much of my identity was tied up in my relationship. In the process of losing my husband I also lost my sense of self. And I have spent the last year rediscovering my true self, beyond the roles that define me day to day.  

3. It is possible to overcome my greatest fear

As well as losing my sense of self, the loss of my husband triggered a massive fear of being alone. Instead of running away from it, I chose to lean in and face it.  
I discovered that I’ve had this fear my whole life. Since I was a little girl, I’ve never enjoyed being on my own. I now see that it’s been a sign that I didn’t have a very healthy relationship with myself. I knew I needed to love myself through my grief and in order to do that I needed to work on the most important relationship in my life, the one I have with myself.

4. Life is short

When your husband dies at the age of 51, it’s a harsh reminder that life is fleeting. Things that once seemed important no longer held the same weight. The frustrations of life and unmet expectations, whether they were my own or others’, robbed me of joy, allowed me to get caught up in the rush of life and disconnected me from what truly matters. I’ve now gained clarity on what’s truly important to me and I’m prioritising those, even if it means disappointing someone else.

5. Trust my intuition

Over the last year I’ve started to really tune into my intuition. The quiet little voice that has been hard to hear when I’m not used to listening — it now speaks to me through dreams, coincidences and gut feelings.

I’ve realised that if I make decisions based on my intuition rather than logic, I actually made better decisions, even if at times they don’t make any sense, they feel scary or feel really hard.

6. I am much braver than I ever realised 

Sometimes we don’t realise our own bravery until we’re faced with a situation that requires it. Performing chest compressions on your husband while your 8-year-old watches over, and trying to find the words when your 4-year-old asks when daddy is coming home. These experiences demand a level of courage that you never knew you had, but you do find it when you must.

7. Life moves way too fast

I have spent a year slowing everything down and being very quiet and still. I’ve needed to retreat away to do a lot of soul searching and in doing so I realised just how fast the world around me is moving.

When many people told me to get busy and distract myself from my grief, I turned to meditation, journaling and quiet contemplation instead. And it has been one of the best things I’ve done for my spiritual growth.

8. The small things really are the big things

The things I miss most about my husband are the small everyday things. I miss hearing him walk through the front door after work. I miss watching him play with the kids on the loungeroom floor. I miss the way my son would say dadda when he walked into a room. I miss his hugs and the smell of his clothes. I miss picking up his socks and shoes from underneath the dining room table. I miss the simplicity of just his presence in the house.    
In the stillness and quiet, I am now in awe of the everyday moments. They are no longer boring and mundane to me, and they never will be again.

9. I now see the gifts in all things

Shortly after my husband died a friend told me that one day I would see my loss as a beautiful gift. It’s hard to see tragedy as hidden gifts, but these gifts can impart a level of wisdom and transform our lives in such a profound way if we shift our perspective and allow them to. These types of “gifts” are not packaged up in beautiful wrapping paper tied up with a beautiful bow, but real-life experiences in helping us become a much greater version of ourselves.

10. It’s ok to give myself permission to be happy

Grief is confusing and complicated. I have often found myself questioning everything.
I remember the first time I went out after my husband died. I went to the movies with a friend. As I was standing in line for the tickets, I was looking around to make sure there was no one I knew because I didn’t want anyone to see me there having a good time. Over the months that followed, I would very often catch myself laughing and questioned if it was ok.

It’s not just ok to be happy, it is essential that we live our life in full colour, not just for the kids and I, but for my beautiful husband who is no longer here to experience his own life in full colour. I’m now taking radical responsibility to live life to the fullest for both of us and I’m committed to living out the dreams we had once planned together. 

My husband’s death has left a huge hole in my heart. But what I now know is that his death was a beautiful gift that has allowed me to find a strength I never knew I had, and a richness to life that I never knew existed.

If we are prepared to lean in and be brave enough to journey through life’s greatest challenges, we can come out the other side with a renewed sense of self, feeling empowered and believing more in the magic of life.

Through my grief I have peeled away the layers of who I thought I needed to be, beyond the role of wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. And I have discovered this new version of me, a version I’ve never known before and I’m looking forward to getting to know her a lot more in the months and years to come.

I’m learning to trust, let go of control, and let life unfold in whatever ways it needs to.

There are no lessons.

I’m just here for the experience.

It really is one hell of a crazy ride!

IS IT TIME TO TEND TO YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL HEART?    If anything I’ve shared has stirred something in you, you may want to join me on one of my next retreats and give yourself some space to tend to your own beautiful heart and rediscover your own sense of self.  Click here to find our more about upcoming retreat experiences 

I get asked this question often, especially when facilitating retreats.

As someone who often tries to take on more projects than I can handle, I know what it’s like to juggle many responsibilities. Keeping up with work, family and self-care often feels like a never-ending rat race.

Balance obviously means something different to everyone, yet most of us are seeking it in some way or another. When we’re stressed and overwhelmed, finding balance seems like the ultimate answer to our problems.

So what does it mean to lead a well-balanced life and why does balance feel like an elusive concept?

What I have learnt over the years is that balance is not something we can get; it’s actually a state of mind. It’s the realisation that life is not stable but in constant motion.

Balance is about finding harmony in our internal world so we can more easily juggle the many balls in the air.

It’s no secret that most of us are feeling stressed and overwhelmed by the contant juggle. We feel like we never have enough time to get everything done, and we’re constantly chasing after something that seems just out of reach. We crave more balance in our lives, but how do we find it amongst the contant juggle?

The first step to finding balance is to look within. When we’re feeling out of balance, it’s often because we’ve lost touch with our own needs and wants. We get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life that we often look outside of ourselves to find the balance we crave. It’s important to take some time each day to connect with your inner self. This can be done through a mindfulness practice like meditation, journaling, or simply taking a few deep breaths and asking yourself with kindness and compassion what it is that you need right now.

The second step is to get in touch with our masculine and feminine energy and know when one or the other is out of balance. In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in the masculine energy of doing and achieving. This can lead to feelings of stress and anxiety. It’s important to also nurture the feminine energy of being and receiving. This can be done by taking time for yourself, spending time in nature, or doing something that brings you joy. Everything in life contains both feminine and masculine energy. In order to find balance, we must learn to embrace both energies and notice when either are out of balance.

Personally, I’ve found the balance of doing and being a hard one to strike. We live in a world that values doing and achieving above all else, and I have wrapped a lot of my self worth around being a doer.  But I also know that it can come at a cost to my health if I don’t balance out the doing with being.

I realised that prioritising being amidst all the doing is a critical part of creating a balanced, healthy life. Not just on weekends or holildays, but every single day.

Mindfulness meditation is the most effective practice I’ve found to help me shift out of doing and relax into being. I’m reminded that it’s okay to allow things to unfold, instead of always directing or controlling them. I’m able to hear my intuitive voice beneath my monkey mind chatter. I’m also more connected to my body and its signals. When I feel stressed or overwhelmed, that’s my body’s way of telling me that I’m more in my masculine and that life is out of balance. I know I need to slow down and connect more to my feminine. Now, I choose to pause and meditate (even for just a few minutes) instead of pushing through no matter what, and I feel the benefits immediately.

The third step is to acknowledge and honour the seasons of life. Just as the world goes through seasons, so do we. There are times when life is full of activity and movement, and there are also times when things are more quiet and still. It’s important to respect both the highs and lows, and to find balance within them. As winter approaches, it’s the perfect time to retreat inwards, to rest, reflect and allow ourselves time to renew our overall sense of wellbeing.

By attuning ourselves to the natural rhythms of the earth and finding balance between the masculine and feminine energies within us, we can begin to find a sense of harmony in our lives. When we are able to find this balance, we can start to live more authentically and with purpose. We can also begin to let go of the things that no longer serve us, making juggling less balls much more effortless and allowing space for more joy and ease into our lives.

So, the next time you’re feeling out of balance, take a moment to connect with yourself, your own masculine and feminine energies and become more aware of the season you’re in. By doing so, you just might find the secret to finding more balance in your own life.

I hope this blog post has inspired you to start your own journey towards finding greater balance from within.