It’s been a year since my husband died.
A year since that fateful Saturday morning when I found my husband unresponsive on the lounge.
A year since life as I knew it would never be the same again.
The last year has been the most painful and challenging year of my life, but it has also brought with it love, joy and magic.
I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learnt over the last year.
1. There are no lessons
The first lesson I learnt is that there are no lessons. When I was growing up and I was taught a lesson, it was because I had done something wrong or made a mistake. My husband’s death wasn’t a lesson. Instead, I see it as a life experience, giving me the opportunity to evolve and grow from it. Now I know, the deeper the experience, the greater the opportunity for personal growth.
As Henry Ford said “Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.”
2. My identity changes as life changes
Over the last year, I have found myself asking who am I if I’m not a wife? I didn’t realise how much of my identity was tied up in my relationship. In the process of losing my husband I also lost my sense of self. And I have spent the last year rediscovering my true self, beyond the roles that define me day to day.
3. It is possible to overcome my greatest fear
As well as losing my sense of self, the loss of my husband triggered a massive fear of being alone. Instead of running away from it, I chose to lean in and face it.
I discovered that I’ve had this fear my whole life. Since I was a little girl, I’ve never enjoyed being on my own. I now see that it’s been a sign that I didn’t have a very healthy relationship with myself. I knew I needed to love myself through my grief and in order to do that I needed to work on the most important relationship in my life, the one I have with myself.
4. Life is short
When your husband dies at the age of 51, it’s a harsh reminder that life is fleeting. Things that once seemed important no longer held the same weight. The frustrations of life and unmet expectations, whether they were my own or others’, robbed me of joy, allowed me to get caught up in the rush of life and disconnected me from what truly matters. I’ve now gained clarity on what’s truly important to me and I’m prioritising those, even if it means disappointing someone else.
5. Trust my intuition
Over the last year I’ve started to really tune into my intuition. The quiet little voice that has been hard to hear when I’m not used to listening — it now speaks to me through dreams, coincidences and gut feelings.
I’ve realised that if I make decisions based on my intuition rather than logic, I actually made better decisions, even if at times they don’t make any sense, they feel scary or feel really hard.
6. I am much braver than I ever realised
Sometimes we don’t realise our own bravery until we’re faced with a situation that requires it. Performing chest compressions on your husband while your 8-year-old watches over, and trying to find the words when your 4-year-old asks when daddy is coming home. These experiences demand a level of courage that you never knew you had, but you do find it when you must.
7. Life moves way too fast
I have spent a year slowing everything down and being very quiet and still. I’ve needed to retreat away to do a lot of soul searching and in doing so I realised just how fast the world around me is moving.
When many people told me to get busy and distract myself from my grief, I turned to meditation, journaling and quiet contemplation instead. And it has been one of the best things I’ve done for my spiritual growth.
8. The small things really are the big things
The things I miss most about my husband are the small everyday things. I miss hearing him walk through the front door after work. I miss watching him play with the kids on the loungeroom floor. I miss the way my son would say dadda when he walked into a room. I miss his hugs and the smell of his clothes. I miss picking up his socks and shoes from underneath the dining room table. I miss the simplicity of just his presence in the house.
In the stillness and quiet, I am now in awe of the everyday moments. They are no longer boring and mundane to me, and they never will be again.
9. I now see the gifts in all things
Shortly after my husband died a friend told me that one day I would see my loss as a beautiful gift. It’s hard to see tragedy as hidden gifts, but these gifts can impart a level of wisdom and transform our lives in such a profound way if we shift our perspective and allow them to. These types of “gifts” are not packaged up in beautiful wrapping paper tied up with a beautiful bow, but real-life experiences in helping us become a much greater version of ourselves.
10. It’s ok to give myself permission to be happy
Grief is confusing and complicated. I have often found myself questioning everything.
I remember the first time I went out after my husband died. I went to the movies with a friend. As I was standing in line for the tickets, I was looking around to make sure there was no one I knew because I didn’t want anyone to see me there having a good time. Over the months that followed, I would very often catch myself laughing and questioned if it was ok.
It’s not just ok to be happy, it is essential that we live our life in full colour, not just for the kids and I, but for my beautiful husband who is no longer here to experience his own life in full colour. I’m now taking radical responsibility to live life to the fullest for both of us and I’m committed to living out the dreams we had once planned together.
My husband’s death has left a huge hole in my heart. But what I now know is that his death was a beautiful gift that has allowed me to find a strength I never knew I had, and a richness to life that I never knew existed.
If we are prepared to lean in and be brave enough to journey through life’s greatest challenges, we can come out the other side with a renewed sense of self, feeling empowered and believing more in the magic of life.
Through my grief I have peeled away the layers of who I thought I needed to be, beyond the role of wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. And I have discovered this new version of me, a version I’ve never known before and I’m looking forward to getting to know her a lot more in the months and years to come.
I’m learning to trust, let go of control, and let life unfold in whatever ways it needs to.
There are no lessons.
I’m just here for the experience.
It really is one hell of a crazy ride!
IS IT TIME TO TEND TO YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL HEART? If anything I’ve shared has stirred something in you, you may want to join me on one of my next retreats and give yourself some space to tend to your own beautiful heart and rediscover your own sense of self. Click here to find our more about upcoming retreat experiences
